And that's how the fight started...

I feel like I'm wussing out to just post a funny e-mail from a friend, but this was too good to pass up! My friend B sent this to me a few months ago, and I've kept it because it was that good. I hope you enjoy!

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's how the fight started.

************************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And that's how the fight started.....

***********************************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started.....

*******************************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And that's how the fight started......

************************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please,' I said.

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself,' I said.

And that's how the fight started.

Poor guy...lucky me...

I told you awhile back that I was going to be working with a student teacher this semester. I was both excited and apprehensive as I have never done this before. I am so attached to my kids this year, though, that I wasn't willing to give them all up. I did manage to talk my good friend and department chair into splitting the day with me. Then neither of us has to give up all our kids, and he has the benefit of working with two different teachers.

For the most part, things are going pretty well. We've had some ups and downs, but things are turning around and getting better. I see some potential in him, and I'm hoping that he just continues to get better.

While he's been doing okay, I've been...well, bored. I go to school for a whole day, but I only teach two classes. Last semester I was teaching six classes a day and didn't have a prep. Now I have a prep and the student teacher is teaching my freshmen in the afternoon. I go to school, teach seniors first hour, have an hour off for my prep period, teach third hour, and then sit back and let the student teacher take over with my freshmen for the rest of the afternoon.

Life is boring.

I miss my kids.

My seniors don't know what to make of me. When they take a quiz or do an assignment, it's graded and in the computer by the end of the day, and no later than the next day. Typically, it would take me at least four or five days on average to do that. Now, it's like instantaneous feedback.

I have so much energy, and I just want to talk to them. Normally, I have an entire day to work out all that energy and 150 kids who "share the wealth" of my enthusiasm. Now I've got 55 seniors. At 7:30 in the morning, I think I'm too much for them to handle!

On the upside, I am bonding really well with my seniors. On the downside, I get bored in the afternoon. So bored, in fact, that I have been hanging out in the library shelving books and looking up book titles for the library secretary.

I've even talked the librarian into teaching me how to check out books to kids! I get to be a pretend librarian and it's a lot of fun! Honestly, it's the only thing preventing me from repeatedly banging my head against the brick walls of the school...

Yeah, that's how bored I am.

Anyway, back to my story.

On Monday, at the beginning of fourth hour, I was sitting at my computer (entering grades for the quiz my third hour seniors had just taken) and waiting for class to start. The student teacher is on his own for most of the day, but I pop in periodically to check out what's going on, and make sure nobody's killed anyone else. Plus, I love my kids and I just plain miss 'em, okay?

Fourth hour started, and the student teacher was not as organized as I would have liked to see. As a result, my normally well behaved freshmen were a little squirrely. I thought I would hang out for awhile to make sure things got turned around, and I'm really glad I did.

About 15 minutes after class started, a kid was reading out loud from Romeo and Juliet when the student teacher just stood up and walked out of the room. He muttered something about being back in a minute, and then took off.

I thought it was odd, but went to the front of the room, picked up a copy of the play, and asked a kid what page we were on. I took over, and things were going okay. He came back a few minutes later and tried to take over again. He was looking sweaty and flushed and pale...I figured he had just been sick, so I told him to have a seat, I would take handle it.

I'm glad I did that because he left twice more before class got over.

Poor guy. He was barely hanging on. I told him to just go home and get some rest. He was so grateful, I felt almost bad. He thinks I was doing him a huge favor, but selfishly I was thrilled for the chance to hang out with my freshmen again!

The rest of the afternoon flew by! I had a BLAST!! And it didn't hurt that my kids told me they missed me, and were glad to have the chance to hang out with me again. Plus, they were awesome! I haven't lost my classroom management skills in my period of sloth!

I texted the student teacher Monday night at about 7 to see how he was doing. He said he felt like death warmed over, apologized, and said he would send me sub plans for Tuesday as he didn't think he'd be well enough to be in school.

Poor guy...lucky me...

Now ain't that the truth?

When I got home from working out this afternoon, I was sitting on the couch, eating a handful of Tim's Cascade Jalapeno chips and watching Paula Deen on the Food Network Channel (doesn't the irony just kill you?).

Her special guest was Zac Brown, the country singer of "Chicken Fried" fame. I hate / love that song. I hate it because it's just plain dumb if you listen to the lyrics, but I love it because it's unbelievably catchy. Anyway, Paula was telling Zac that she loves the arts. Then she said something that encapsulates my thoughts / feelings about music perfectly. She told him, "I have always wanted to sing so badly! And it's come true: I sing so badly!"

Now, ain't that the truth? I pretend I can sing, but I can't. J compares the assault of my singing talents on his ears to the time he stepped on our cat Zoe's tail. Yeah, that's how good I am.

I love H2O

I grew up in Seattle, just a few minutes from Puget Sound. When I was in seventh grade and we moved, I was still just a few minutes from Puget Sound. By the way, when I say just a few minutes away from Puget Sound, I mean four or five...with traffic.

My grandma's house overlooked both Puget Sound and the Duamish River. From her front porch and with binoculars, you could see bits of the hydroplane races during the summer.

In high school, I was on the girl's swim team, I was a manager for the boy's swim team, I taught swim lessons, and I was a life guard.

When we went camping, we took our boat. I knee boarded, skied (not very well!), went for rides and rode the innertubes. When I wasn't in the boat, I was swimming or floating.

Until just a few years ago, my dad was a commercial fisherman.

For those of you who read my blog regularly, (well, as regularly as I post, that is!) you know that I have a slight crush on Michael Phelps. (Side note: that whole pot mess made me lose just a little bit of respect for him. Totally stupid and unnecessary.)

When J moved to the Tri-Cities, I was concerned. I have a need to be near water - huge expanses of water - at all times. It's a physical need. If I can't see water on nearly a daily basis, I get uneasy. I don't know why, I just know I do.

Lucky for J the Columbia River and the Yakima River and the Snake River all run through this area. Our house is five minutes away from the Columbia. Though I don't love the river as much as I've always loved Puget Sound and the Pacific Ocean, it has sufficed for the last five years.

Oh, and I drink water! I aim for 64 ounces a day minimum, but sometimes find myself falling short of that noble goal. Mostly because I get so tired of running to the bathroom every 20 minutes. There's only so much time in a day a girl needs to spend in the bathroom. That's all I'm saying.

Can you tell I love water?

That's why I was so excited to find pictures of the 2008 World Championship Submarine Races!! I thought I would share them with you here. Enjoy!

Well, what did you expect to see??

We leave smelling like boys...

I love my job. I know I say it a lot, but it's true. In fact, let me tell you just one more time*: I. Love. My. Job.

This year, my room seems to be the place to hang out during lunch. I never get a minute to myself. I love it, though. There is a core group of about 8 kids who routinely come in early to talk, and just hang out. There are a handful of others who show up randomly. It all started with one quiet young man who comes in and works on his math homework. (When I say quiet, I mean quiet. He rarely speaks in class, even to the other kids. I've loved that he comes in early for lunch, because it's the only time I can get him to talk!) Then another kid came, and now, I've got a regular lunch bunch.

While I love my lunch crew, I noticed something the other day: they're all boys. Every single last one of them. It surprised me a bit because high school boys are typically too cool to be seen in a classroom by choice. It's only acceptable when they have no other choice. Not my guys. They visit every day. They crack me up. The majority of them scarf down their lunch, run to the gyms to play some basketball, and then come to my room to replay / relive every play of the game. I guess I am a good audience?

While I love all my students, I find it odd that so many boys like to hang out in my room. I also find it kind of gross. Have you ever had the "privilege" of hanging out with a teenage boy after he's played some intense basketball? Let me just say this: boys stink.

Eww. Ick. Gross.

Okay, not all of them stink. Some of them are conscious of themselves and will make a quick stop in the locker room or bathroom to make sure they don't stink. There are a few, though, who do. Honestly, though, it could be because sometimes boys just smell bad. (If you are mother to a son, I think you'll know what I mean. It doesn't mean they are any less wonderful people, it just means they smell bad.)

Yesterday, two boys were digging in a backpack, looking for something. P found what they were looking for, and pulled it out of his bag. He triumphantly held up the can, and told D "you can use it first!"

I looked up when I heard a spraying sound and smelled a foul odor. They were spraying cologne. I coughed, and said, "Hey, boys. I have pretty severe allergies, and I know other people do, too. Can you please take that into the bathroom?"

D said, "Oh, sorry! Okay, we'll go to the bathroom."

On their way out the door, P stopped, turned around and, in all seriousness, said to me, "We leave smelling like boys, we come back smelling like men."

Yeah, right.

1. Most men I know don't use cologne from an aerosol can.

2. Contrary to what the commercials would lead you to believe, Axe cologne does NOT smell good, and will NOT cause girls to follow you around. Axe also will not make them want to date you. Sorry, but it's true.

3. The theory of "if a little is good, a lot is better" applies to cheesecake, money, and books. NOT cologne.

4. A good friend once told me, and I agree, that your scent should be discovered and not announced.

5. You smelled better before you doused yourself in cheap chemicals from a spray can.

So, while you left smelling like boys and planned to come back smelling like men, you really came back reeking to high heaven. But thanks for the laugh!



*today...I can't make promises about tomorrow!

From the mouths of babes, part 10

I was listening to two of my senior girls this morning. They were discussing a recent outing to church with one lovely lady's grandma. Grandma apparently hasn't been to church in more than 15 years, and her darling granddaughter offered to drive her and go with her. To a Catholic mass, no less.

K1: I told my grandma I would go into the confessional booth with her if she wanted me to. But she said, “No, I haven’t been to confessional in so long, I don’t want to go. I’ll do it next time.”

K2: Your grandma is so funny!

K1: I know, I told her the priest wasn’t going to make fun of her, or tell her “you suck” or anything. She should just go.

K2: Yeah, he’d probably only tell her to do five Bloody Marys or something.

K1: Yeah, probably.

I think she meant “Hail Marys” because if priests were prescribing Bloody Marys, I believe more people would convert to Catholicism and become sinners…

knowing me knowing you, #2

Last month Shan from Tales from the Fairy Blogmother started a new interview post. She invited everyone to play along each month. I did last month and enjoyed it enough to do it again this month! So, here it is, the second installment of Knowing Me, Knowing You! I love it when someone else gives me a blog topic! Then I don't have to think one up myself.

#1 What crafts/hobbies are you into?
Man, too many to list. I'm the type of person who gets a hobby and is a thousand percent committed...until the next cool thing comes along. I tend to be a social hobbyist...I need people around me to do whatever it is I like to do. Except for reading. That I like to do alone. Unless other people are reading, too. I hate it when I'm the only one and the other person/people want to talk to me. Leave me alone, I'm reading.

Back to hobbies. I love to scrapbook, and think I'm decent at it. I just don't like to do it by myself. I think if I had a better space, that was more conducive to crafting, I would do it more often. The space I have, though, is small, and out in the open. I can't leave a project out until it's finished, I have to put it away and take it back out and put it away, etc. If I had a room devoted entirely to crafts, I would probably do it more often.

I also love to blog. For the few of you who actually read my blog, you know that I'm kind of hit or miss when it comes to posts. Sometimes I'll do it every day, then I miss a day or two. I had one long hiatus, but that's only happened once. I try to do it at least three times a week, and more is better, but I don't always meet that goal. Maybe if someone sent me a new topic each day I would be better?? Who knows.

I've recently learned how to use my sewing machine. I've completed four rag quilts, but that's it. Oh, and I sewed a quilt out of paper to use as an example for my freshmen at the beginning of this year. I find that when I give them a project, if I show them a good one as an example, I typically get better results. They were supposed to create a family tree, but that was a loose guideline. I made mine like a quilt, and included way more information than just names. I included pictures and all kinds of stuff. It was so cool, I had it laminated at the library so I can use it again in the coming years. Other than four fabric quilts and one paper quilt, I've not used the machine for anything else. I need inspiration...and practice...

Can organizing be a hobby? I love to organize. Every once in awhile I will pick a cupboard / closet and go to town. I should do it more often, though. I like things to be neat, and I am addicted to clear plastic containers. J usually gets annoyed with my obsession, but I think in the past year he has come to "see the light" and maybe (maybe??) appreciate it. When we went camping last summer in the coolest tent ever, I was so organized it was almost sickening. We not only knew where everything was, we could see through the containers and pick the right container instantly. But I digress. I love to organize, and I really love to help other people organize.

My last "hobby" might not really be a hobby. It might be more of a...a...well, I'm not really sure what it is. You tell me. I love to tease J. It truly is a goal of mine to make him smile, shake his head and say, "You are so strange/weird/goofy." I try to do it on almost a daily basis if possible.


#2 What is your laundry strategy?
Well, I don't have a fully developed laundry strategy. It's a work in process. But I think I'm getting pretty close to a workable routine. We used to have two baskets and a hamper. That didn't work really well for us, especially in the apartment when we had to trek half a block to the apartment laundry room or put it in the car and haul it across town to the laundry mat (laundromat?). Then when we moved into the house, we graduated to about five baskets and a hamper. That still didn't work for us. About two years ago, I found a laundry sorter at Wal-Mart that had four bags, and was on wheels. Plus, it was an antiqued bronze color. Pretty cool, and all for $28! I bought it, and it has been awesome. I used to get annoyed that J would just drop all his clothes into one bag, and when it was full, he'd move on to the next bag. I finally got smart this last summer and pinned tags on each bag labeling them (whites, lights, brights, and darks). It's been smooth sailing ever since. During the summer, I stay pretty much on top of the laundry, doing a load or two every other day. During the school year (and winter when we wear more clothes!) we usually do laundry on the weekends. If I have multiple loads, I dump the clean stuff on the bed and put all five baskets on the floor. It gets sorted into baskets as follows:

Basket 1: K's socks / underwear / pajamas

Basket 2: J's socks / underwear / pajamas

Basket 3: K's shirts and pants

Basket 4: J's shirts and pants

Basket 5: towels / bath rugs / bedding

If I am nice, I will put it all away. I'm not usually that nice, though, so J has to put away his own laundry. I will fold towels and bedding, and usually leave that for him to put away, too. So far this seems to work pretty well for us. I'm looking for a new sorter, though, with four, or even five bags. The bars holding the bags up have bent on the one we have now. But I'm not having any luck, everyone seems to have sorters with three bags. Or the sorters with four bags have weird cutouts at the top of the bag making them smaller. Not useful. So, for now, we use the bent sorter.


#3 You walk into a bank and there are people waiting ahead of you for an open teller. You step into place behind the last person waiting.... here's the question... are you waiting in line or are you waiting on line?

In line. I don't know anyone who says "on line"...but I don't know a lot of people!



#4 Do you Facebook?

Nope. Not really interested in it, either. I spend enough time on my blog and e-mail. If I used Facebook, too, I don't know that I would have time to do anything else!



#5 Where would you like to have a shopping spree and what would you buy?

Lots of places. I'm sort of obsessed with Vera Bradley bags right now, and I love my Coach purses. Plus, I'm always good for Barnes and Noble gift cards. Books are a girl's best friend! And recently I've seen TONS of great dishes / housewares that I love. If I had lots of money and a ton of storage, I would love to go crazy buying new dishes and stuff to decorate my house. Oh, or a lighting place...we have been looking for lamps for our bedside tables in our room and also in the guest room. Can't find anything we like that's reasonably priced! The Container Store. I'm obsessed with storage and organization.

I think I would go just about anywhere if I got to spend someone else's money.



So there we have the second "Knowing Me, Knowing You" installment. Thanks Shan! If you want to play along, visit Shan's blog for directions.