From the mouths of babes, part 9

I am the advisor for a mentoring program for freshmen. Basically, I have 72 juniors and seniors who I train once a month on a particular topic, and then they go visit freshmen in their English classes and talk about that topic with them. Every other year we rotate between English and Social Studies classes. This year we are in English, and I am teaching freshmen. I have the added bonus of getting to see firsthand my mentors interacting with my freshmen. It's pretty cool usually. Sometimes, though, it's pretty funny.

In November, our topic was "Gossip."

In my fourth hour class, B is a junior and he has a group of 5 frosh, all boys. He typically "adopts" a few more, though, who would rather be with a boy than a girl mentor.

B was sitting with his 7 boys and said, "Okay, guys, how would you define gossip?"

Without missing a beat, M responded "Girls."

Well, he got that right, didn't he?

My new favorite thing...

Netflix's "Watch Instantly" feature rocks! J and I have had Netflix for awhile now, but we aren't very good at it. We are the type of people Netflix makes all kinds of money on. We get a movie in the mail, and sit on it for a long time before we either watch it or just mail it back because we watched the movie on television. (Yes, that has happened to us more than once.)

I have a friend who has a system down. He signed up for two movies at a time, created his queue, and waited for the movies to arrive. They both showed up on the same day the first time, so he and his wife and kids watched one, and put it in the mail the next day. Then the next night they watched the other movie. The next day they put the second one in the mail, and on the third day, they got a new one. They have an endless rotation, and they see all kinds of movies!! They truly are getting more than their money's worth each month.

Not so much here in the Hocking household.

Anyway, I got online the other day to update the queue, and saw that three of the movies had a little button next to them that said, "Play now". Curious, I clicked on one of them. Did you know that you can watch a movie on your computer? It was fabulous!

J was still sleeping, so I put on some headphones, grabbed a blanket, and curled up in my comfy computer chair and watched "The Game Plan." I wouldn't recommend it, by the way. Unless you have a little girl. I think only little girls would like it.

It was so cool, that I looked at the queue again to see what else I could just watch right then. Turns out there were two more movies in the queue that were most definitely movies I wanted to see, and I figured J wouldn't want to see them. So I also watched "Enchanted" that morning. It, too, was just okay. It would have been more fun to see it with a little kid. By myself it was alright. It was WAY better than if I had watched with J, though. He would have complained the whole way through!

A few days later I watched "Dan in Real Life." Now THAT is a movie I can recommend! It's rather predictable, but worth the time regardless.

The only other movie in our queue that we can watch instantly is some creepy scary something that I am NOT interested in at all. J can watch that and take it out of our queue and it would thrill me!

I have also watched a couple of episodes of other television series to see if I want to borrow the seasons on dvd. Nothing so far has impressed me. I tried to watch "The Office" to see if I "got" it better by watching the first few episodes. Not so much. I just don't see what people love about that show.

Anyway, my new favorite thing is Netflix's Watch Instantly feature. (And I suppose it makes me love my computer even more! We have a great screen, and it's still a super fast computer...and it's more than a year old now! On our old computer, there's no way I could have watched movies...)

I highly recommend checking it out!

Google Lit Trips

Oh. My. Goodness.

If you are a reader, or an English teacher, Google Lit Trips are the coolest things ever created. I'm not sure who has the kind of time necessary to create one of these things, but I'm glad they do! I'm teaching The Kite Runner to my seniors, and this is amazing! I can't wait to show it to kids!

If you have ever used Google Earth, you can imagine it. Basically, someone has mapped out all of the places in the novel and put it together in one trip! The real places are there, and even the made up places. The creator of the Lit Trip made an educated guess where the made up locations would be, based on their relative location to real places! At each location, in addition to seeing the Google Earth photographs, there is a box that pops up with questions about each chapter and links to web pages about some of the cultural things referenced in the chapter!

It's pretty amazing stuff. I don't know what we did before the internet.

There's even one for The Grapes of Wrath! You can follow the Joad family's trip from the Dust Bowl of Oklahoma to California. Or The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. Or Make Way for Ducklings. Or Brothers in Hope: The story of the Lost Boys of the Sudan. There are more, too, for everyone from elementary to college!

Click here to check it out!

More snow?

I can't believe that it's almost the end of January and we are still getting snow! Granted, it's not nearly as much as we had a month ago. Not even close. But it's still snow. It snowed sometime Friday night into Saturday morning, and continued periodically throughout the day on Saturday. It's supposed to snow some more today. It's not supposed to snow for the rest of the week, but it's supposed to be cold until the middle of the week. What we got yesterday and what we get today should hang around for awhile.

I suppose it's too much to ask for a two hour delay tomorrow?

I bet it would be asking WAY too much to have snow on my birthday next week. I love having my birthday in the middle of winter, as it's my favorite season. But sometimes, it's kind of dreary...okay, usually it's kind of dreary on my birthday. There has been snow on my birthday only a handful of times in my life. Which is actually saying something because I grew up in Western Washington and it's rare that it even snows there! I would love to wake up to a white, pristine world on my birthday next week.

If I can't have that, I suppose a two hour delay tomorrow would suffice.

One more week until...

I am no longer 30! I bet you thought I was going to say only one more week until Superbowl Sunday, right? Well, this year, Superbowl Sunday and my birthday fall on the same day! Too bad I could care less about either team or the game this year.

It's really too bad for J. He told me this morning that his friend has invited us to go over and watch the game. He was kinda disappointed when I said in no uncertain terms, "Thanks, but no thanks. You'll just have to call your friend and tell him it's my birthday and we have other plans."

We don't have other plans for Sunday yet, but I don't want to go hang out with J's friends on my birthday. We are going to go out with some of our friends on Friday evening, but that's as close as we get to birthday plans so far. I just don't want to go to this particular friend's house on my birthday to watch a game I don't give a damn about. If my birthday was Saturday, I wouldn't have a problem with heading over there to watch the game on Sunday. Or if a team I cared about made it to the Superbowl, that would be different too. But it's not my fault the Seahawks suck, and it's not my fault they chose to have the Superbowl on my birthday this year. J is going to have to suck it up and pretend to enjoy the day with me.

Is that selfish? Even if it is, I am not apologizing. Last year he went out with his friends on my birthday...this year, I am claiming him all for myself.

We could possibly watch the game at home, or we could invite some of OUR friends over here to watch the game. But I am not interested in going somewhere else.

I'm not terribly interested in turning 31 either. But that's another story for another day.

I blame J

Before I got married, my last name was Plenkovich. Quite a mouthful, huh? Quick side note: when I was really little, I used to tell people my name was "Na-na Plenksabitch" instead of Kristina Plenkovich. Embarrassing. My baby sister still calls me Na-Na. I think that's cute, though. Especially because I usually call her either Princess or Brat.

Well, Plenkovich was quite a mouthful. If I could hardly say it, I couldn't really blame others for messing it up, could I?

Once I got married, I was looking forward to taking J's last name, Hocking. I thought it would be so much easier. I mean, how can you mess up Hocking?

Turns out there's lots of ways. Kids have called me: Mrs. H, Hock, Hawking, Hockey, and my personal favorite, Hockings. When they call me Hockings, I usually respond by saying, "Yes, Johnnys?" Or, "Yes, Sallys?" Perhaps it's not so subtle, but it doesn't matter how many times I tell people it's Hocking, NO S, they add it anyway. And it's not just kids.

Though kids are the only ones who pretend to "hock" (intentional misspelling, by the way!) up a loogie as they say my name. Thankfully it's usually only once or twice. And I have perfected my disgusted / annoyed reaction to such a degree that I only have to look at a kid and roll my eyes and they don't do it again.

But I've learned to roll with the punches. None of it is new. In the last five and half years, I thought I had heard it all.

Until last week when I picked up a prescription from the pharmacy.

I've been sick many times in the last five years. I've got allergies. I've had LOTS of trips to the pharmacy. I sort of bounced around from store to store, though, until the WalGreens opened up near my house two years ago. Ever since they opened, I've completed most of my medical purchases there. All pharmacies file your prescriptions by last name so the pharmacist can retrieve them easily. I’m not sure how I missed this with every other prescription I’ve picked up, but WalGreens pulls the first two letters of your last name out and makes them big in the upper left hand corner.

This wasn’t a problem when I was Plenkovich.

It is a problem now. Can you see it?

I blame J.

When I pointed it out to him, he laughed at me. Then we got to talking, and during our conversation I was bombarded with other “ho” memories. I thought I’d take a minute to share them with you.

The first one I shared here. Basically, I called a student’s mom a loose woman on accident. It truly was an accident, but it was one of the funniest / most embarrassing moments of my teaching career thus far.

My next “ho” story comes from my days of student teaching. We had pulled desks into a circle because we were going to read out loud together from To Kill A Mockingbird. I’m sure most people have read this novel, so I’ll spare you the synopsis. Just know that because there is some strong language, I told kids they didn’t have to say the “bad” words out loud if they were uncomfortable with it. We were all following along and could see the words skipped. No big deal, right? We got started, and two of my boys were talking and talking and talking and wouldn’t stop. I kept the reading going, but was distracted by figuring out how to write the detention slips, so I wasn’t on the same page as the kids. The young lady who was reading paused and asked, “Ms. P? Should I say the ‘h’ word?” I had a slight moment of panic because I had previewed the day’s reading and hadn’t seen any words I thought would be a problem. I collected myself and told her to skip it if she was uncomfortable, and then frantically skimmed to catch up.

We were reading the part of the book during the trial scene when Tom Robinson was testifying on his own behalf. He says that he had been called inside the house by Mayella Ewell to “bust up a chiffarobe” for her. Pretty benign, right?

He used a garden hoe to do it.

She thought "hoe" was "ho" and that we should skip it because it was inappropriate.

Can you imagine him busting up a chiffarobe with a ho? Would he grab her by the ankles or the hair to swing her around?? I nearly wet my pants from laughing so hard.

And one more school "ho" story. (I originally wrote about it here.) Every year I read Romeo and Juliet with freshmen. Most people don't realize this, but much of Shakespeare is dirty. If the kids picked up on half of what Shakespeare was saying, perhaps I wouldn't have to fight so hard to get them enthusiastic about reading it. It's really funny what they do pick up on, though. In R and J, Lord Capulet says, "Give me my longsword, ho!"

Ho, as in an exclamation, similar to "Hey!" or "Oh!" And it should be read without stopping.

Inevitably, students read it, "Give me my longsword, (long pause) ho!" And then the rest of the class dissolves into giggles as I have to patiently explain yet again that no, Lord Capulet did NOT call his wife a ho.And later, Mercutio and Benvolio discuss poor, lovestruck Romeo. They say his "very heart has been cleft with the blind bow boy's butt shaft." Good lord, try to get control back after some poor kid stumbles over that line. Couldn't Shakespeare have just said Cupid? I don't suppose he was thinking four hundred years into the future, though.

My last “ho” story did not take place at school. It took place in the backseat of my dad’s car.

Wait, that sounds bad.

Let me start over. Two years ago, at Christmas, my sisters were in the backseat of my dad’s car. They were on their way to my dad’s family Christmas party with Dad and Mel. (J and I were at his folks that Christmas Eve. I wish I had been there, though, because this story is going to go down in our family’s history book.) Out of the blue, T asks L, “Does it ever get confusing for you at this time of year?”

L was befuddled. “Confusing for me?? Why??”

T said, “With people calling your name all the time?”

L was still confusaled.

T said, “Hearing people calling you all the time must get confusing. You know, ho, ho, ho…”

Ha, ha, ha!

How funny was that? We still laugh about it every time we tell the story.

So, while I have more than my fair share of “ho” stories, I take some comfort in this: according to the pharmacy, J, too, is a “ho.”

Congratulations, President Obama

It seems like the elections were just yesterday, doesn't it? After an extremely long campaign - seriously, I thought it was never going to end - America decided that it was time for change. And boy, are we going to get it!

The inauguration of any president is an important and exciting event. This year, though, I think is special. Today is the day President-Elect Obama becomes President Obama. I don't know about you, but I'm excited.

The job of President is not one that I envy. There is SO much responsibility. I'm not sure about you, but I wouldn't want to have to step in and clean up years and years and years of other peoples' messes, either. Plus, in this country, there is no shortage of people with opinions...and they're not afraid to share them.

We have a long road ahead of us, but I am eager to see what the future holds.

Congratulations, and good luck, President Obama.

Shallow

When we began our poetry unit a few weeks ago, I asked kids what they liked and disliked about poetry. I asked them to write down what I could do to make this unit more fun for them.

This is a line one of my darling freshman girls:

"I think you might have to be a certain level of deep to enjoy poetry, and deep I am not."

Was that out loud?

Last week I started reading The Kite Runner with my seniors. It's an amazing book, and they really enjoy it once they get into it. The problem is getting them into it - kids have been conditioned to think that if a book is long it's too hard. If it's hard, they don't want to do it. In addition to telling them how much they are going to like it, I’ve been giving “reading check” quizzes to keep them honest in their reading. As in, doing their readings...

This morning, one of the questions was, “Which character has a German mother, an Afghani father, blonde hair and blue eyes?”

The answer is Assef.

S, one of my quietest kids, says, unintentionally out loud to the whole class, “THAT’S it!! All I could remember was the ‘ass’ part.”

I know you’re not supposed to laugh, but we almost cried we laughed so hard…the look on his face when he realized he said it out loud was priceless!

Peace on earth

If this is possible, anything is possible.

No time

Where does the time go? I have no time to do anything I want to do anymore.

I don't have time to:

1. Blog

2. Look at other people's blogs, let alone comment on them

3. Read for fun

4. Read for school

5. Do housework (**I don't really want to do housework, but I need to and don't have time.)

6. Visit friends

7. Visit J (*He sits in the next room, and if we have ten minutes to talk a night it seems like we've accomplished something.)

8. Run errands (I have a pair of shoes sitting on my table that needs to get shipped back to Nordstrom's - it's been there for a week, and I'm not sure when I'm going to get a chance to go back to the post office.)

9. Think the thoughts I want to think.

10. Sit and relax.

11...finish this post...

How does he DO that?

Last night, J and I were headed out to Sports Authority to see if we could find him some lightweight workout pants. We are in the process of joining a local gym, but he only has heavy sweat pants, pajama pants, or shorts to wear to the gym. It's too cold for the shorts right now, and the sweats are both too bulky and kinda short (have I mentioned that the boy is freaky tall? And he's ALL leg...). We also planned to maybe stop at Wal-Mart and see if we had any luck there for track pants. I asked him if he had the Wal-Mart gift card in his wallet that my mom and step-dad gave him at Christmas. He said he thought so, but asked me to check and handed me his wallet (he was driving).

I reached in to the area of his wallet where he keeps gift cards, and pulled out an entire stack of them. In addition to the Wal-Mart gift card, he had one from Sonic, one from Starbucks, one from Sports Authority, one from Outback Steakhouse, one from Fred Meyer, two from Hastings, and three from Home Depot.

No lie, people. He was LITERALLY sitting on hundreds of free dollars. Some of it recent, some of it so old he can't recall when he received it. How does he DO that?

I immediately confiscated the Outback gift card because we have dinner plans with friends there in a few weeks. Then, I proceeded to repeat, "Dude!! I can't believe you haven't spent these! Seriously, J, why are these in your wallet still?"

Remember when they passed that law in Washington that said companies have to honor gift cards for their full value and can't charge "maintenance" fees? I remember thinking that would be good if I lost a card and then came across it later, but odds were not good that I would ever hang on to a gift card long enough for that to happen. Most places didn't start charging those fees until 18 months of inactivity. That's a year and a half. Who really keeps a gift card for that long?

Apparently J does. That law was all about people like him. Thank goodness. As it turns out, he would have lost some serious cash otherwise...$375 to be exact.

I decided we were going to change our plans and spend some of his money. I normally HATE to go to Home Depot with him. That store is like his Mecca. We wander up and down the aisles aimlessly. Well, to me it seems aimlessly, but J has a plan. But last night, I asked him to go to Home Depot first. We walked straight to the customer service desk and asked the cashier to check balances on the cards...all three of them. He had $140 between the three cards. One of them was for $80 and we're pretty sure he got it as a wedding shower gift five years ago.

Again, how does he do that? If I hang on to a gift card for more than two months, it's because I've lost the stupid thing.

We both actually had some fun walking up and down the aisles, looking for things he's wanted but never felt justified spending the money on. We did good, too! He got some Dremel accessories to round out his Dremel collection, one of those chalk-line thingys that you snap and it leaves a mark for you to follow, and a Leatherman that he's asked for for about two years and nobody has purchased for him yet.

When the cashier rang us up, the total was $142.61. Woohoo!! We spent the entire amount on the cards, and only owed $2.61 on top of it!

From there we headed to Sports Authority. J got all kinds of workout clothes, and spent his entire gift card plus a little more. But we were planning to spend that money out of pocket, so the fact that a little more than 1/3 was "free" was awesome!

After that we went to the high school basketball game. We decided to spend the Fred Meyer and Hastings cards another day, and go to Wal-Mart after the game.

At Wal-Mart we wandered again for a LONG time. He didn't really have anything in mind that he wanted or needed, so we just kind of looked around for things for the house that needed updating. We found some new glassware to replace the stuff we've had forever. The old stuff is ugly and cheap and a few glasses have broken over the years. We've been looking for awhile now, but never really wanted to spend the money because our stuff is still functional. But isn't that the intent of a gift card?? Buy something you want, but don't necessarily need? We finally agreed on a glass style, and grabbed a box. Then we wandered back towards electronics and the car care aisles. We've been looking for new wiper blades for my car, but the other stores where we've looked haven't had the right combination of sizes for the front and back windows. J's parents gave me an iTouch for Christmas, and I was looking for static cling face protectors for it. They were all out at Target, but since J had money to burn, he suggested we look at Wal-Mart.

I feel badly that he used some of his gift card money on me, but he wanted to do it...He really couldn't think of anything else that he wanted or needed. We found a bunch of thick boot socks for him, but the glassware was only $20ish and he didn't need $50 worth of socks.

We did well at Wal-Mart, too. In addition to the things I listed, J picked up a few other small things he needed (like pen refills), and we only owed $3.44 after the gift card!

Man, I guess I'm going to have to go through his wallet more regularly! He was a good sport about it all, though. He doesn't typically like it when I try to make him do something, and he'll usually put his foot down and refuse to do it. But he was in a good mood yesterday and only too happy to spend his gift cards. We had fun doing it, too.

Oh, and I forgot to mention one last gift card he's had for more than a year. I can't believe I forgot to mention it because it sits here on the computer desk mocking me every time I sit down. Someone gave him an iTunes gift card for $30 forever ago and he STILL hasn't used it...I keep threatening to use it myself, but he knows that's an empty threat...probably.

Now he needs to find some books or video games at Hastings...something else at Fred Meyer...some lunch at Sonic...and drink himself a few peppermint or hazelnut mochas at Starbucks...I've got Outback covered.

knowing me, knowing you #1

A few days ago, Shan over at Tales From the Fairy Blogmother, started a new activity. Once a month she is going to do an "interview" post. I thought it sounded like fun, and decided to join in.



1. Making any New Year's resolutions this year or do you think the whole idea of resolutions is ridiculous?

I don't think the idea of resolutions is ridiculous. BUT, I can't make them because I break them in record time and then feel like an absolute failure. I wish I could, but I can't. I admire people who can stick to them, but there are very few of them! Each school year I make new "resolutions" and goals to better myself professionally, and I'm pretty successful with that. Personal goals, though, I'm pretty lax.




2. Read/Watched anything good?

WAY too much to even begin listing. I read like it's going out of style. Just about anything I can get my hands on. And I don't think my opinion of good movies / television is worth that much. I watch some pretty lame stuff, and I'm completely addicted to reality television. I'm sad that Survivor is over for the season. I'm stuck on reruns of Wife Swap, Antiques Roadshow, SuperNanny and shows like that. I will always watch a rerun of Friends. The only "current" show that is non-reality that I like is NCIS. Oh! I almost forgot about Jon and Kate Plus 8!! I love, love, love that show! (See?? More reality tv!)

3. Blog you can't stop reading.

I love lots of different blogs. I check the ones in my blogroll faithfully, but rarely have time to comment anymore. Just know I love you!

4. George Clooney and Brad Pitt are together on the cover of the French edition of GQ. You can check out the sexiness here. Quick question..... who's hotter?


Hands down, George Clooney. Brad Pitt is too much of a pretty boy. And I don't think he's very smart, either.



5. When it comes to movies do you prefer the theater or dvd?


Theater. I love to watch movies at home in pajamas, curled up in my favorite chair, but I have a heck of a time staying awake. Just ask J. It drives him crazy when I fall asleep during a movie. But he likes to watch movies at night. I can't do it. If he got up early in the morning with me, I can stay awake then...but it's just not going to happen at night. In the theater, however, I think I have only fallen asleep twice. Once at Contact, that Jodi Foster movie that was horrible. (Sorry if you like it.) I met my cousin and his girlfriend there, and it was late. I just couldn't keep my eyes open. And that was when I was a teenager and never went to bed early. The other time was the day after we got married and J and I took my sister T and her friend Michael out to dinner and a movie to thank Michael for his calming presence and going way above and beyond the call of duty on my wedding day. He's my sister's friend, but he got in my car and drove across town to pick me up from the hairdresser, and then played chauffer to the wedding for me. And he did it just because he was hanging out at the house and wanted to be helpful. He was super sweet and I wanted to thank him. Some thanks that turned out to be. KFC and Pirates of the Carribbean...and I slept through most of it.


Another reason I prefer the theater is that in this tiny town I live in, there is very little available in the way of entertainment. The whole city shuts down by 9 p.m. Except the fast food places and Wal-Mart. Even Safeway is not 24 hours here... If there isn't a sporting event at the high school, or a play at the high school, there's not a lot to do. So we go to movies.




So there we have the first "Knowing Me, Knowing You" installment. Thanks Shan! If you want to play along, visit Shan's blog for directions.

If J were in charge of the world

If J Were in Charge of the World
By K. Hocking (with apologies to
Judith Viorst)

If J were in charge of the world,
He’d cancel romantic comedies,
Big decisions,
Reality television and also Dr. Phil.

If J were in charge of the world,
There’d be warm days year round,
New trucks each year,
And free golf each weekend.

If J were in charge of the world,
You wouldn’t have nosy or rude neighbors.
You wouldn’t have spotless, organized houses.
You wouldn’t have early morning alarm clocks.
Or, “What you gotta understand is…”
You wouldn’t even have know-it-all friends.

If J were in charge of the world
A big juicy steak and German chocolate cake
would be healthy snacks.
Sci-fi and horror flicks would be Kristina’s
favorite type of movies.
And a person who sometimes forgets to empty
the dishwasher, talks back to the
television, and tells his wife “In a minute”
(when he really means later…MUCH
later…)
Would still be allowed to be
In charge of the world.

What do you say?

In the interest of continuing honesty, here's another fine character trait of mine: I don't know how to react when someone tells me bad news. I get awkward. I don't know what to say, what to do, how to deal.

Tuesday evening, when my sister called to tell me that my uncle has been given four months to a year to live, I responded by saying, "You're kidding."

What kind of a response was that? No one in their right mind jokes about something like this. All I did was make an awkward situation even worse. But I didn't know what else to say. Sometimes I amaze myself with my own social stupidity.

Now what do I say? What is there to say?

He was diagnosed a few months ago with cancer, but the story we got was that the doctors were optimistic and Uncle J was in good spirits. It was a minor inconvenience, and life would go on as regularly scheduled.

Today we found out that the doctors did a full body scan and the cancer has metastasized throughout his entire body including his liver and his brain. I am at a complete loss for words. There are no words of advice, no words of sympathy, no words of empathy. There is not one thing I can say.

I want to say that everything will be all right, but it won't.

I want to say I understand, but I don't.

I want to say a lot of things, but I can't.

I guess all I can say is I love you, Uncle J.

Avoiding real work

A few days ago, I was surfing the internet, avoiding real work, when I came across this Twilight spoof.



Why do I find this so funny? Is there something wrong with me? Don't answer that. Just enjoy.

A sister's love

For a long time, I've been jealous of the relationship my two younger sisters have. For a long time. I'm not going to lie, I wish I was as close to them as they are to each other. But I'm not.

But this Christmas I realized that we are closer than I thought.

It's amazing how sometimes they don't seem to know anything about me, but other times, they just seem to understand everything without me having to say a word.

Sometimes I think I may be too honest here, and share too much detail. But honesty is important, right? So let's be honest.

I'm overweight. I'm working on rectifying this, but it's a long sloooooow road. Frankly, it sucks. But I've talked to my sister about this periodically over the last few months, and she has been so supportive. In fact, December was "Give the gift of health" month at her gym, so L took me twice in the three days we were together at our Mom's house. She just understood. She didn't pressure me, she didn't criticize me. She knows what it's like. We've got that shared history. She's been overweight most of her life, too. Not as heavy as I am right now, but enough to know where I'm coming from.

It was actually kind of fun. So much so that instead of the rowing machine J was going to buy as our "big" Christmas gift, we are going to look into a gym membership instead. It would probably be cheaper than the rowing machine, and we both need to get our lazy behinds to the gym. Whatever we decide on, though, we're going to get healthy...together.

As if it's not embarrassing enough to talk about how fat I am, now I'm going to tell you about how mean I am. The morning after Christmas we were getting ready to leave for J's folks house, and I was in a bad mood. I didn't really know why I was in a bad mood, but I was. L and I went to the gym for an hour and a half, and when I got back, J was still in bed. Granted, we got back at 8:45 a.m., so it wasn't like he was lounging all day in bed, but I was annoyed. If you asked me that morning, like J did, what I was so angry about, I couldn't tell you. I didn't know. All I knew was that I was pissed off.

Guess who bore the brunt of it?

Nothing he did that morning was right. It didn't matter what it was, J could do no right. I snapped at him, I ignored him, I stomped around the house yelling that I wanted to just be left alone. I think I startled my mom and my sister. I was behaving irrationally and immaturely, and totally unlike me, and I knew it. But I couldn't stop, either.

Until L came and gave me a hug. She asked me what was wrong and I burst into tears. Turns out a lot of things were wrong, none of them important individually, but together they added up to a lot.

The straw that apparently broke the camel's back was that I was experiencing a huge bout of low self-esteem, and was not looking forward to the clothes shopping sprees sponsored by gift cards courtesy of my family.

She understood. And she took care of it for me. She explained to J why I was being such a royal witch. She explained to my mom, too. She then took the clothing gift cards I received from me, and told me to just go to J's folks. She would shop for me, and mail me stuff later. In fact, as soon as J and I left, Mom jumped in the shower, and she and L went shopping before L had to get on a plane back to Vegas.

It was such a relief to have someone who just understood. Who just knew. I didn't have to explain because she practically took the words out of my mouth. She knew that I was upset, but she also understood. She knew that I felt stupid for being upset by something so silly, and that it was making me angry. Words can't explain how that felt.

She took care of it.

She took care of me.

She understood.

Our bond is much stronger than I thought.

Hallmark Ornaments

Every Christmas since I was born, (except, apparently 1983) I have received at least one Hallmark Christmas ornament. It is tradition, and it's one I hold close to my heart. It's almost to the point of obsession.

Three or four years ago, a few days before Christmas, my mom happened to comment that she had not purchased Hallmark ornaments that year because she and John had gotten us some cute ones when they visited Leavenworth. It shocked me how disappointed I was, and how immediately the feeling hit me. I hung up the phone, and found myself near tears.

Over an ornament. Or, more appropriately, over a lack of an ornament.

I called my mom back and told her how I felt. That I didn't know why I felt so strongly about it, but I did. I told her that I didn't particularly care which ornaments she got in addition to Hallmark, but that I wanted a Hallmark ornament, too. She acquiesced, and has continued still.

J and I haven't even put up a tree for the last four Christmases, but I love getting those ornaments every year.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not an ornament snob, exactly. I love all Christmas ornaments. When I put up a tree, I put them all up, no matter where they came from. But it's tradition to get a Hallmark ornament from my mom every year, and I don't want that to stop.

In addition to being a nice record of time passed, when I moved out of the house my mom gave me a box with all my ornaments in it. I was only 22, but I already had a lot of ornaments of my own...Mom didn't have to give up any of hers to supplement my collection. Some people like the plain round ball ornaments, but I don't love them. I want my tree to have more personality. I was thrilled to death that J and I had enough ornaments between us that we didn't have to buy generic ornaments to fill in the tree. We did buy some small red and silver balls, but didn't use them all. And we had a 6 foot tree.

Even before we got married, I started giving J Hallmark ornaments at Christmas, but it was sporadic. I didn't give him one every year. Once we got hitched officially, though, I got deliberate about it. In addition to whatever my mom gives him / us, I give J at least one Hallmark ornament each year. He doesn't care about this stuff as much as I do, but I think it will be cool for our kids or our grandkids to have those ornaments one day. When we have kids, they will be getting Hallmark ornaments for sure.

It's horribly morbid to think about your parent's demise, but when I think about my mom's belongings, and what makes me think of her, her Hallmark ornament collection is the forerunner. Her wedding ring and some cement planters that used to be my grandma's are on the list, too, but the Hallmark ornaments are near the top. I'm sure my sisters will want some, too, but I definitely will get some of them!

But I digress.

Because we haven't put up a tree for a long time, we haven't bothered to pull all of our ornaments down from the attic in the garage. I've just taken whatever new Christmas decoration stuff we get and put it in shoe boxes and then stacked them on J's workbench in the garage.

This year I decided I wanted to take them all down, and photograph each and every single ornament. I'm not really sure why. It's sorta crazy.

It's really crazy.

But I did it. Well, to be exact, J climbed up into the creepy attic and handed down plastic storage bin after plastic storage bin. I carried them into the house and then got to work. I charged the batteries for my camera (I have two so that I never have to stop taking pictures while the other one charges - it's one of the best purchases I ever made), grabbed a white towel to use as a neutral background, and then got to work. It took me almost all of yesterday, and most of today, but I did it! I have created a list of every Hallmark ornament I own (plus the few that J owns and the few that were given to us as a couple), and taken pictures of literally every single ornament, Hallmark or not. Turns out we own 73 Hallmark ornaments and countless other types. Of the 73 Hallmarks, J owns 10...and we share about 8...I told you I had a lot...

Here are a few of my favorite Hallmark ornaments over the years. Remember, I have tons...I love them all, but these are a few that stand out.

This is the very first ornament I ever got.

Coincidentally, J got a Hallmark ornament his very first Christmas, too! He didn't get another, though, until I started giving them to him 23 years later! This one was from his great-grandma on his dad's side.

And this is the first one I gave J in 1998. We had been dating for a year.

I don't love this one, but the year we got married it was the ONLY "Our first Christmas" ornament at Hallmark.

This one reminds me of Easter. Santa at Easter?? It's not really Easter. It's called "Woodland Friends" and I love it, regardless.

This is the ornament I got this year. It is from "A Christmas Story." Remember that movie? I remember watching it as a kid, over and over and over again with my sisters.

This is my all-time favorite ornament. I don't really know why. Perhaps it's because nobody else in my family has it? T was born in 1979 so hers is a baby's first Christmas ornament. It's pretty, and it's my favorite.

Just to prove I am not an ornament snob, here are some of my favorite non-Hallmark ornaments. We have tons of these, too. Interestingly, I find that the ones I like the best are the handmade or unique ones. I have lots of "generic" Santas and snowmen, etc. that are super cute, but these are my favorites.

This came from J's grandma. She made it for me. I LOVE the all white / silver look. It's so elegant!

She made this one, too!

Hmm...apparently J's grandma and grandad have fantastic taste in ornaments, because this one also came from them. Grandma did not make this one, though! It opens up like a little box! It's so cute. J has a red one with white reindeer on it. I got online today and found a bunch more of these. I'm considering ordering a bunch to give away to people next year. I know that I'll end up keeping them to myself, though, so I'll have to think it through before I make the purchase...

This is the cute one from Leavenworth that threatened the Hallmark ornament collection a few years ago. I can't hold it against her, though...she's divine!

I imagine when I have kids, I will like the homemade ones best, but regardless, I think this Hallmark tradition is here to stay.

We're going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time

I've been missing in action for the last two weeks, but not by choice. J and I went to my mom's house for the first part of our break, and were so busy there I didn't have a chance to even check my e-mail, let alone create a blog entry. Then, for the second half of our visit, we were at J's folks house. They have dial-up, people. And I am so spoiled with fast internet that I didn't have the patience to even try to check my e-mail, let alone upload pictures or text. My blog is not too picture or graphic intensive compared to a lot of blogs, but it was still too much for my in-laws' slow internet and my short patience.

So, sorry, but I'm back now.

While I was at my in-law's, I got to hang out with my sister-in-law, C. She makes me laugh all the time. Conversations with her are interesting, you start with one topic, and before you know it, you're about a mile away from where you started. It's fun! You never know what you'll talk about.

Case in point: I'm not sure how it even started, but one of the first conversations we had, practically as we walked in the door, was about the ShamWow. Perhaps Mom was cleaning a spill? Or maybe C had just seen the infomercial before we walked in? I don't remember. All I remember is C saying she thought she might have to buy one because the poor guy trying to sell them sounds sort of desperate. For most of the commercial he is pretty upbeat, but by the time he gets to the part where he says it will dry your sweater, he's beginning to get a little needy. Here, let me show you, courtesy of YouTube (I love YouTube!). Listen to how his voice goes up at the end of the word "sweater."





The ShamWow appears to be an amazing product!! But don't be fooled...watch the video again and look closely at the cola spill. See how it's spilled out from underneath the carpet at first? But when he goes to actually mop it up, that soda isn't there anymore. Suspicious?? You be the judge.

So, periodically throughout the week while we were visiting, we had discussions about the ShamWow. Then, this morning, I was in the middle of my crazy Christmas ornament documentation project (more on that later), and I saw a NEW commercial with Vince Offer, the ShamWow guy.

Now he's selling the Slap Chop. Have you seen this commercial? At first I couldn't decide if it was real or a spoof. I'm leaning towards real, but I'll let you be the judge.

See if you notice the line that made my mouth drop in shock...



If you guessed "fredducine" you would be incorrect. If you guessed "Stop having a boring tuna, stop having a boring life" you would be incorrect again. If you guessed "You're gonna love my nuts," you'd be right. Is he for real?


If you own either of these items, let me know how they work, okay? I'm DYING to know how a real person likes them. I'm typically a sucker for infomercials, but this one takes the cake. It's the same old product, with a new name and a crazy infomercial guy...but I can't wait to show it to C! And remember, "guys, we're going to make America skinny again, one slap at a time!"