Loose lips and loose women

I'm sarcastic. I know it, and everyone who knows me knows it. Even my students. It's not often my mouth gets me in trouble, but when it does, it's bad. The following story is a classic example of "open mouth, insert foot."

When I teach, I am very open with my students. I share personal stories, and we laugh a lot. Sometimes kids will try to get a reaction out of me. I usually think fast enough on my feet that it's okay. If there's something I don't want to answer, I tell kids to go home and ask their parents. That usually works like a charm. Both as an actual answer, or as an innuendo, if you catch my drift.

Most people don't realize this, but much of Shakespeare is dirty. If the kids picked up on half of what Shakespeare was saying, perhaps I wouldn't have to fight so hard to get them enthusiastic about reading it. It's really funny what they do pick up on, though. In Romeo and Juliet, Lord Capulet says, "Give me my longsword, ho!" Ho, as in an exclamation, similar to "Hey!" or "Oh!" And it should be read without stopping. Inevitably, students read it, "Give me my longsword, (long pause) ho!" And then the rest of the class dissolves into giggles as I have to patiently explain yet again that no, Lord Capulet did NOT call his wife a ho.

And later, Mercutio and Benvolio discuss poor, lovestruck Romeo. They say his "very heart has been cleft with the blind bow boy's butt shaft." Good lord, try to get control back after some poor kid stumbles over that line. Couldn't Shakespeare have just said Cupid? I don't suppose he was thinking four hundred years into the future, though.

But I digress. I was talking about how my mouth occasionally gets me into trouble. Picture this. A class of approximately 30 teenagers, more than half boys. All seniors, very few who love Shakespeare. We're reading Hamlet and we get to the second act when Polonius is preparing Reynaldo to go to Paris to spy on his son, Laertes. He tells Reynaldo that "by indirections find direction out." In other words, make up stories about Laertes. The reaction of the people he's talking to will tell you far more than just asking questions. He then gives Reynaldo examples of the type of stories he can tell. That Laertes is a gambler, that he drinks and swears and has been seen "drabbing." Now, the footnote in our particular text handles this turn of phrase quite delicately. It says that "drabbing" means "spending time in the company of women of questionable morals." (Remember that my students often try to get a rise out of me.) One of my darling senior boys asks me with a knowing wink, "Mrs. H, what does 'questionable morals' mean?" I said, "Well, C, it means he was spending time in the company of loose women." Then C turned to his friend and loudly asked, "J, do you know what loose women means?" J said, "Why, no, C, I don't know what that means. We should ask Mrs. H." I knew what was coming...you know, too... J then turns to me and asks, "Mrs. H, what is a loose woman?" The whole class waited with baited breath to see how I would react.

I smiled very sweetly at him and said, "I don't know, J. Why don't you go home and ask your mom?"

Three beats of dead silence, then the entire class bursts into hysterical laughter. I was shocked...what on earth were they laughing about?? Then I replayed the scene in my head and was horrified. I turned three shades of red, and apologized profusely.

"Oh my gosh, J!! I didn't mean that! I'm sure your mother is a perfectly lovely lady!! I did NOT mean that the way it sounded!" And it's true. I did NOT mean to say that.

Open mouth, insert foot.