From the mouths of babes, part 8

"His laugh is a breeze through my ears, his smile a roadblock in my path, his skin an untangible desert."

Okay, I don't even know where to begin, so let's just start at the beginning. This is a line from one of my freshman's essays last year. She was describing her crush. While this sentence sounds pretty good the first time through, I do have some problems with it on a closer reading.

First, if his laugh is a breeze through your ears, doesn't that sort of imply there's nothing in between your ears to stop it? Or even slow it down?

Second, I really like the roadblock in my path part. That's quality stuff. On the other hand, a roadblock implies that you stop and can't get around. If a boy you like smiles at you, it should make you pause and take notice...but you should be able to start back up again. Otherwise, he's in control, and girl, don't ever let someone else control you.

Third, I'm pretty sure untangible is not even a word. But I like what you're implying here. It's good you can't touch him...you're way too young for any of that monkey business.

Overall, a nice attempt at some poetic, lyric writing. But just because it sounds smart doesn't mean it is.