How would you like twins of him?

What is it with people feeling at liberty to criticize other people's kids? Or their parenting styles? Recently I've had two of my very good friends experience this trauma at the hands of others.


Leah shared her experience here. She has a young son, CJ, who is very independent. He is the youngest of three, and quite certain he is capable of anything he'd like to do. As a mother of three, Leah is not inexperienced. She and her two oldest kids came to stay with me and J for a few days a few summers ago (before CJ was even born), and I can tell you from seeing her in action firsthand: Leah is a great mom. Anyway, she was shopping with her youngest, and instead of strapping him into a stroller, she allowed him to be more independent and walk. While she was paying for her purchases, however, she needed to make sure CJ didn't wander off as small children are apt to do. She put him in front of her, and held him gently in place with her legs. CJ, being independent and two, loudly expressed his displeasure. A complete stranger came up and started yelling at Leah and basically accused her of hurting her child.


The nerve of some people. It astounds me. I've been in many restaurants, stores, movie theaters and planes where kids are out of control and their parents do NOTHING about it. In fact, one time I went to Vegas with J, the young kid behind me on the plane kicked my chair continuously. Based on the conversation I could hear, I figured he was really excited to be on a plane. I gave his dad the benefit of the doubt and assumed he wasn't aware that his son was kicking my seat. I turned around and said, kindly, to the little boy, "I know you are excited to be on the plane! I am, too. But when you kick my chair, it hurts my back..." He just stared at me. Dad apologized, and stilled his son's legs. For about five minutes. Then the rhythmic kicking resumed. I waited for a few minutes, but nobody stopped it, so I turned around again and just made eye contact with the kid. Then Dad stopped him again. When it started for the third time, I was really annoyed. Not just with the kid, but with Dad. I almost offered to switch seats with them so I could kick one of their chairs, but kept my mouth shut and endured the longest two and a half hours of my life. You see, it's not my place to discipline other people's kids (when I'm not at work, that is), nor is it my place to critique parenting styles to parents.


It is the responsibility of the parent to parent their child. That's why it was so shocking to me that someone would question Leah's method. Obviously CJ was angry...but he could obviously breathe as he was loudly expressing just how ticked off he was. She didn't spank him, she didn't yell at him, she didn't abuse him - she would never harm her child - so why anyone felt it necessary to comment directly to her is beyond me.


I truly believe that it is the parent's prerogative to parent in whatever method they see fit, as long as they are not hurting their kids.


When there are no parents around, however, I don't have a problem with stopping bad behavior in public places. I honestly think that most kids are not aware of the disturbance they are causing, and if you bring it to their attention, they usually respond politely and respectfully. When J and I go to sporting events at the high school, we are horrified at the number of parents who routinely drop off their elementary and middle school aged kids and then leave. They don't stick around to make sure their kids are behaving properly. In those instances, I don't have a problem telling kids to quiet down, or quit horsing around. If their parents have a problem with that, then frankly, they should be there to do it themselves.


But this phenomenon of total strangers taking it upon themselves to discipline kids when parents are standing right there, or to call into question parenting skills, is not as rare as I originally thought.

I have another friend who we'll call George. George has a young son who we'll call George, Jr. Recently, Junior was enrolled in preschool. While he was there, his parents noticed that he behaved somewhat differently from the other kids. At first, it didn't seem like a huge deal - he doesn't have siblings near his age, and his grandma does day care for him. He just isn't around other little kids that much. Everyone thought that he'd get used to being around other kids and then things would be just fine. Well, things didn't really change, so Junior's parents went to their pediatrician with their concerns. This started a series of appointments with a myriad of different experts, and the long and short of it is that they think Junior may have PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder - Not Otherwise Specified). Basically it means that he shows symptoms of several disorders (like autism or adhd), but doesn't have enough symptoms of any to have a definite diagnosis.

His parents were devastated to learn about this. Only because every parent wants the best for their child, and anything that could make the child's life more difficult is devastating. Devastating isn't a good word for this. Devastation connotes a sense of destruction. George is definitely not destroyed. She is moving forward with the various experts, looking for ways to help her son. She's a great mom. She's doing everything in her power to make sure Junior is getting everything he needs.

The first expert recommended some dietary changes, and George implemented those changes the minute she got home. This expert also gave George and her husband some concrete suggestions to help with some of Junior's behavioral quirks. For example, Junior likes to feel in control of what he is doing, so the expert recommended that George simply change her wording when she talks to Junior. Instead of telling him to put on his shoes, George now asks Junior if he would like to put on his left or right shoe first. This way everyone wins. George gets his shoes on, and Junior has some say so in the matter.

George has said that the few simple changes they have implemented already have made a huge difference in their daily lives. They still have difficulties, but they are working through them. They are continuing to seek advice from a variety of experts, and are already working with the school district to get him into a specialized preschool program. She feels like it's taking forever, and that she's spinning her wheels, but she's wrong.

I am continually amazed at everything she's doing. Once she got the train moving, George jumped right on and took over the engineer's position. She's doing all the right things, no matter how hard it is for her...and it's hard. She wants desperately for her beloved child to be "normal" - whatever that means. This is not an easy journey, but it's one they must take.

I just want her to know that they are not taking it alone. I love that little boy, too, and so do countless others. We all want what's best for him, and are praying that the experts will continue to have good information and suggestions for helping Junior be the happiest little boy he can be.

In the meantime, though, the hard part about all of this is that for all intents and purposes Junior looks "normal" - like all the other little kids. It's just his behavior that is different. For those who don't know what's going on, it looks like he's out of control, or spoiled.

Recently George and her husband took Junior to a birthday party at his cousin's house. It was not a good day for Junior, and he had a bit of a meltdown at the party. He had a few tantrums, but his dad was handling it. He removed Junior from the situation to let him cool off and calm down. He gets so excited when he's around other kids, that he works himself up and can't control himself.

Junior's cousin's grandma was at the party. George doesn't know her, but has heard that she tends to be a Negative Nelly. Turns out she lived up to this reputation. During one of Junior's episodes, after his dad took him from the room, Negative Nelly asks the room at large, "How'd you like twins of him?"

You can imagine how hurt George's feelings were. I want to go find that lady and smack her. She has NO idea what is going on in Junior's life right now. She had no idea that George, his mother, was sitting close by. She had no idea.

So she had no right to open her mouth.

He's a beautiful little boy, inside and out. Sure, he has some behavioral issues, but honestly, what kid doesn't? His may take a little more work for both him and his parents, but so what? Remember CJ, Leah's son? He's "normal" but even CJ has public temper tantrums occasionally. Big deal. In order to get the good, you have to have the not so good, right?

Junior is not to be defined by his behavior. Nobody should be. Instead, he should be defined by his character, by who he is. And that, my friends, is an amazing little soul. He is kind, generous, smart, funny, inquisitive and sweet. And that's just a start. Spending time with this special little boy makes my heart sing.

So would I like twins of him?

Yes.

Yes.